I'm starting to think that maybe I'm a toxic person who is unpleasant to be around on Discord. But I can't tell if it's because of how I am as a person, or if it's because I've only ever been active in servers where the regulars are toxic drama mongers. I get into fights a lot, but it's always only been with people who've been mentioned in wanker threads. Does that mean I'm justified in verbalizing how I don't like the way they act, or does opening my mouth make me just as bad as them?
I hated my flight's server for being cliquey and got banned for being combative. I hate the 18+ server I'm in now because all of the regulars piss me off and Dakkoki lurks there and everyone is fine having him around. I can tell nobody likes me in that server either, for some reason I haven't been banned yet. (Maybe that's part of the problem. I've never seen someone get banned.)
It feels shitty because I think if I tried to find refuge in a new server, I would just bring this toxicity in with me. I want people to talk to, I want to feel like I'm not crazy for going against the grain. Maybe I'll never fit in anywhere, because I don't conform to the norms of Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, or 4chan subcultures.
As someone who used to moderate a flight server, I can tell you that banning someone from those servers does not happen lightly. I think most flights want to be inclusive and usually only ban people who are causing a lot of problems. Every flight server I've been in tends to be a little cliquey simply because people get to know each other and become friends. A lot of people pass through a flight and don't stay, so the people that do stay are more likely to talk to people they know and like.
I guess my question is, why are you staying in servers where people piss you off? There are many different kinds of subcultures on most of the sites you listed. You are never going to find a single person, let alone a group of people, that you agree with 100% of the time. People are varied, have their own life experiences, and even the best of them have a shitty opinion or two.
My advice: 1. Unless you are a moderator of a server, there is no need to verbalize your dislike of how someone is acting. If you don't like them, don't interact with them. If they are breaking a rule and a mod hasn't noticed, DM a mod and let them know. It's not your job to police the people in servers where you are simply a member.
2. Cut people some slack sometimes. You don't have to agree with everything someone says to get along. Sometimes it's okay to agree to disagree.
3. Leave a server if you don't like a majority of the people in it. You are allowed to curate your own online experience and staying in a group that constantly makes you angry is not healthy.
4. This sounds kind of ridiculous, but google how to stop being toxic. There are some really good articles out there.
To add to identifying toxicity: If you're struggling with interpersonal stuff it can be worth it to read through your past conversations and try to identify how, what, and why you are communicating, which can be three very different things.
For example, we had a member in a server that had opinions that I thought were often interesting and well researched. Unfortunately the way she would communicate was extremely aggressively and combatative, talking down to whoever she was in the chat with, and would enter casual conversations on topics as mundane as toothpaste and turn them into hostile debates. What she communicated was fine, but how she communicated drove people away, and her reason for communicating seemed to be that she was there to start and win fights, maybe to use people as an outlet.
Counterexample is a person I saw get kicked out of a small server. They were great at friendly conversation, but then started to defend some conservative rhetoric under pretext of ignorance. They eventually tried to manipulate people into gifting them things. How they were communicating was technically socially acceptable, but what they communicated was toxic af, and their reason for communicating was selfish and manipulative.
Idk how helpful this kind of rigid framework is for your context, and of course there are times when being disagreeable in a chat is the right choice. If you're being disagreeable towards wankers like dakk then by all means carry on.
at the risk of sounding condescending or otherwise generic, i want to tell you that i think its good that youre reflecting on this behavior. at a basic level i'd recommend finding a counselor or therapist (NOT betterhelp, that company sucks), if your financial situation allows for it. i am not a therapist, but i think the other anon had some good advice and i can try to give you some as well. follow them or not, i'm just some random anon on a drama site lmao.
first, i'd say you should think about why you feel like you find yourself in situations with toxic people, and think about why you engage with them. im not looking for you to answer these questions, but i'd recommend thinking about: - why do you feel the need to engage with them? does it feel fun/stimulating/justified/something else? do you think other people feel the same way when they see you do this? - why do you stay in spaces with people you think are toxic, or generally people who are often criticized on drama spaces? - why do you feel like you don't fit in in any spaces on the internet other than niche drama-centric servers?
if you feel as though you will inherently bring toxicity to other servers, i'd recommend making a journal, text doc, or even a private discord server with only yourself. whenever you feel the need to rant/call out/criticize someone, write down those thoughts in that private space and then - importantly - move on. make it as ranty as you want, because it's getting those negative thoughts out of your head instead of instigating a fight. in the long run you'd probably want to wean off those immediate aggressive thoughts, but this can help curb some behaviors that you think are toxic.
try to find a hobby or IRL group that gets you physically engaged. apps like iNaturalist and pokemon go can give you a reason to do stuff outside and makes you more aware of all the stuff going on in the world around you. see if there's any low-key clubs or organizations in your area, like a cooking club, birdwatching group, or maybe even a zoom book club. if those social groups aren't viable, you can still turn it into a solo hobby - find something that you think is fun, and give yourself little goals (eg. try making a new recipe a week, research and try to find a new local animal every weekend, etc).
with that in mind, i do think that there are absolutely spaces on the internet that you can find comfort in even if you feel like you'll never fully fit in. with my above recommendation to find an engaging hobby, i'd also recommend trying to tie that in with some sort of online community dedicated to that hobby, even if its just posting photos on reddit of cool bugs you saw. you don't need to do this with the intention of making deep conversation, but being a part of a community - even if its just on some surface level to talk about bugs - could help satisfy your need for connection.
obviously i don't know your whole deal, ive just read one post by you, so i apologize if any of my comments came across as condescending or overly simplistic. i do wish you the best, nonny.
Finding a good server is... tough. I find being new to a server makes for a good Litmus test. If the regulars are outright hostile to newbies, I leave and find another server. I'm only in about 4 small servers but I rarely, if ever, encounter conflict. The toxicity happens way more frequently in bigger servers.
"it's always only been with people who've been mentioned in wanker threads." Ignore and block wankers. Don't waste your breath on them. This reflecting is a good first step, the next step is to practice what you've learned from your server ban and don't repeat the same mistakes in the next server you join.
Touching grass is also a good idea, but this applies to everyone honestly.
It takes a lot to get banned from most Discord servers from what I've seen. You correctly identified (or was told) that being combative is the problem that got you banned. People go on Discord servers to chill, not have heated internet arguments 24/7 - there's salt/drama blogs and suggestions/PVP forum for that. Doesn't really matter that the person you're having a fight with is a wanker posted here, most admins and mods of Discord servers don't like dealing with public drama regardless of who it involves since it makes the server look unfriendly and bad.
Touching grass is always a good idea. But also don't be afraid of leaving servers that are unpleasant and curb the need to actually argue with everyone that you don't personally like or have a mildly bad take - there's a variety of people in Discord servers so it happens. Blocking is always an option.
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Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 09:41 am (UTC)(link)I hated my flight's server for being cliquey and got banned for being combative. I hate the 18+ server I'm in now because all of the regulars piss me off and Dakkoki lurks there and everyone is fine having him around. I can tell nobody likes me in that server either, for some reason I haven't been banned yet. (Maybe that's part of the problem. I've never seen someone get banned.)
It feels shitty because I think if I tried to find refuge in a new server, I would just bring this toxicity in with me. I want people to talk to, I want to feel like I'm not crazy for going against the grain. Maybe I'll never fit in anywhere, because I don't conform to the norms of Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, or 4chan subcultures.
I need to touch grass, don't I...
Re: Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 12:26 pm (UTC)(link)I guess my question is, why are you staying in servers where people piss you off? There are many different kinds of subcultures on most of the sites you listed. You are never going to find a single person, let alone a group of people, that you agree with 100% of the time. People are varied, have their own life experiences, and even the best of them have a shitty opinion or two.
My advice:
1. Unless you are a moderator of a server, there is no need to verbalize your dislike of how someone is acting. If you don't like them, don't interact with them. If they are breaking a rule and a mod hasn't noticed, DM a mod and let them know. It's not your job to police the people in servers where you are simply a member.
2. Cut people some slack sometimes. You don't have to agree with everything someone says to get along. Sometimes it's okay to agree to disagree.
3. Leave a server if you don't like a majority of the people in it. You are allowed to curate your own online experience and staying in a group that constantly makes you angry is not healthy.
4. This sounds kind of ridiculous, but google how to stop being toxic. There are some really good articles out there.
Re: Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 01:37 pm (UTC)(link)+1 Good advice.
To add to identifying toxicity: If you're struggling with interpersonal stuff it can be worth it to read through your past conversations and try to identify how, what, and why you are communicating, which can be three very different things.
For example, we had a member in a server that had opinions that I thought were often interesting and well researched. Unfortunately the way she would communicate was extremely aggressively and combatative, talking down to whoever she was in the chat with, and would enter casual conversations on topics as mundane as toothpaste and turn them into hostile debates. What she communicated was fine, but how she communicated drove people away, and her reason for communicating seemed to be that she was there to start and win fights, maybe to use people as an outlet.
Counterexample is a person I saw get kicked out of a small server. They were great at friendly conversation, but then started to defend some conservative rhetoric under pretext of ignorance. They eventually tried to manipulate people into gifting them things. How they were communicating was technically socially acceptable, but what they communicated was toxic af, and their reason for communicating was selfish and manipulative.
Idk how helpful this kind of rigid framework is for your context, and of course there are times when being disagreeable in a chat is the right choice. If you're being disagreeable towards wankers like dakk then by all means carry on.
Re: Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 01:42 pm (UTC)(link)longer response:
at the risk of sounding condescending or otherwise generic, i want to tell you that i think its good that youre reflecting on this behavior. at a basic level i'd recommend finding a counselor or therapist (NOT betterhelp, that company sucks), if your financial situation allows for it. i am not a therapist, but i think the other anon had some good advice and i can try to give you some as well. follow them or not, i'm just some random anon on a drama site lmao.
first, i'd say you should think about why you feel like you find yourself in situations with toxic people, and think about why you engage with them. im not looking for you to answer these questions, but i'd recommend thinking about:
- why do you feel the need to engage with them? does it feel fun/stimulating/justified/something else? do you think other people feel the same way when they see you do this?
- why do you stay in spaces with people you think are toxic, or generally people who are often criticized on drama spaces?
- why do you feel like you don't fit in in any spaces on the internet other than niche drama-centric servers?
if you feel as though you will inherently bring toxicity to other servers, i'd recommend making a journal, text doc, or even a private discord server with only yourself. whenever you feel the need to rant/call out/criticize someone, write down those thoughts in that private space and then - importantly - move on. make it as ranty as you want, because it's getting those negative thoughts out of your head instead of instigating a fight. in the long run you'd probably want to wean off those immediate aggressive thoughts, but this can help curb some behaviors that you think are toxic.
try to find a hobby or IRL group that gets you physically engaged. apps like iNaturalist and pokemon go can give you a reason to do stuff outside and makes you more aware of all the stuff going on in the world around you. see if there's any low-key clubs or organizations in your area, like a cooking club, birdwatching group, or maybe even a zoom book club. if those social groups aren't viable, you can still turn it into a solo hobby - find something that you think is fun, and give yourself little goals (eg. try making a new recipe a week, research and try to find a new local animal every weekend, etc).
with that in mind, i do think that there are absolutely spaces on the internet that you can find comfort in even if you feel like you'll never fully fit in. with my above recommendation to find an engaging hobby, i'd also recommend trying to tie that in with some sort of online community dedicated to that hobby, even if its just posting photos on reddit of cool bugs you saw. you don't need to do this with the intention of making deep conversation, but being a part of a community - even if its just on some surface level to talk about bugs - could help satisfy your need for connection.
obviously i don't know your whole deal, ive just read one post by you, so i apologize if any of my comments came across as condescending or overly simplistic. i do wish you the best, nonny.
Re: Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 05:08 pm (UTC)(link)"it's always only been with people who've been mentioned in wanker threads."
Ignore and block wankers. Don't waste your breath on them. This reflecting is a good first step, the next step is to practice what you've learned from your server ban and don't repeat the same mistakes in the next server you join.
Touching grass is also a good idea, but this applies to everyone honestly.
Re: Discord toxicity and me
(Anonymous) 2023-07-11 05:31 pm (UTC)(link)Touching grass is always a good idea. But also don't be afraid of leaving servers that are unpleasant and curb the need to actually argue with everyone that you don't personally like or have a mildly bad take - there's a variety of people in Discord servers so it happens. Blocking is always an option.