Spring into Salt

[mindlessflight]

 

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[(Anonymous)]

Shout-out to the time a few years ago when I posted on Anon Rising about how I'd given over a hundred spontaneous gifts on FR and people called me a narcissist for it. I was feeling pretty depressed and alone at the time and just wanted some anonymous recognition for doing a good thing, I guess, since no one on FR proper would ever know that I'd sent out so many gifts. Instead I got berated for... being nice to people? I legitimately don't even know what the issue was, but I stopped gifting people for years because of it. People literally convinced me that trying to be kind and put some good into the world was like... shitty of me somehow lmao.

And no, NPD has never come up in my many years of therapy/psychiatry, but you know what I've recently discovered I do have? OCD. Specifically, moral OCD. And one of my themes is that I'm secretly an ~evil manipulative narcissist~. So thanks for the completely unearned self-loathing spiral y'all sent me into back then.

[(Anonymous)]

Okay

[(Anonymous)]

this posting is not helping you in many ways

[(Anonymous)]

By posting all this here, it's clear you still have shit to work on. Genuinely, I hope this is part of your recovery and you're trying to move on, because dwelling on this shit will give you a stomach ulcer.

[(Anonymous)]

I feel you op, I dwell on stuff like this too. I hope you can replace it with more significant memories and forget about it soon.

[(Anonymous)]

Genuine kindness and generosity speaks for itself, over a hundred people know that you're a gift-giver. Flaunting for even more recognition beyond thanks from your recievers is rude. Following up further for even more anonymous validation on the successor's board years later isn't healthy at all. You're getting yourself stuck in a pattern here.

[(Anonymous)]

You need to stop posting here then and stop looking at this website! Do not let your happiness being dictated by other people. Make your own happiness.

[(Anonymous)]

you gotta let go, anon.

[(Anonymous)]

OCD is a seductive liar. It tries to find a reason for what you are feeling, when the truth is that what you are feeling is an echo of something much older, activated by the similarity of a present situation to a past one.

Your mind is trying desperately to make sense of what your nervous system is trying to tell you to do to survive (to fight, flee, freeze, fawn, sometimes more than one at the same time).

Thinking your way through the situation, trying to find solutions through cold logic and rationality isn't the way. The trauma is older and wasn't created through a logical problem.

It's unfortunately kind of a scavenger hunt to find actually useful information for this, but some of these might help, if not solve everything, at least give you a better direction of what to look for:

A brief explanation of how the nervous system fucking lies to you, the survival-obsessed bastard:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/5yfl82HVKevqHDydATLRzP

This book is about ADHD but funnily enough it's what made the most sense of what was going on with me, OCDer extraordinaire (tl;dr: babies absorb everything around them like sponges and their learning coping mechanisms can be disrupted if they are genetically predisposed to it; ADHD and OCD at thier core are last-resort coping mechanisms for an overwhelmed mind):

https://www.amazon.com/Scattered-Minds-Origins-Attention-Disorder/dp/0593714377

This might help make a bit more sense of when your mind turns super negative. It's geared towards trauma survivors but the part about the inner critic isn't exclusive to that:

https://www.pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm

If any of this seems interesting or useful, at all, please let me know, I've been researching all sorts of things trying to also cure and manage my own life-long OCD and I'm happy to try to find something that might help you. You deserve peace, too.

same anon

[(Anonymous)]

To actually share some vulnerability: I've spent my whole life guessing what to do. Feeling like everyone is onto a joke that no one told me, following a script that everyone has but I didn't get a copy. And then wondering how defective I was that everyone "got it" but me. Like how to behave and talk is super obvious and if only I paid more attention or made more of an effort I would "get it" too.

Try to act kind? People took advantage. Try to sound funny or clever? People laughed at me, not with me. Be honest? People looked at me weird. Lie? People avoided me.

I constantly felt (and still do, but a little less) that I'm messing up, that I'm offending people, that everyone is judging my every move and word and gesture and finding me wanting.

I've been discovering that none of this was the case. I have auditory processing disorder, prosopagnosia and dyspraxia, the combo from hell for socializing. Add in family dysfunction and no healthy examples of how adults are supposed to navigate life, and of course OCD developed from that.

If no one told me what to do, I would trial-and-error my way through finding the Right Perfect Answer to everything or die trying.

same anon again

[(Anonymous)]

And I just realized that this might be super out of place for this site. Shit. Sorry, mods.

Anon, if you want to take this somewhere else, or even just prefer to let this die, let me know.

[(Anonymous)]

Jesus Christ why would you ever try to get validation from arr of all places!?

[(Anonymous)]

>And no, NPD has never come up

>I guess, since no one on FR proper would ever know that I'd sent out so many gifts.
>People literally convinced me that trying to be kind and put some good into the world was like... shitty of me somehow lmao.
>So thanks for the completely unearned self-loathing spiral y'all sent me into back then.

mhmmm. you told me everything i need to know about the kind of person you are. if you aren't going to get over it, at least reflect on it a little my god

[(Anonymous)]

I keep googling variations of “site:anonrerising.dreamwidth.org narcissist” and I can’t find anything. What is this guy even talking about!

[(Anonymous)]

Anon Rising, not Rerising. I think it was a tumblr blog.

[mindlessflight]

No, it was the original ar. anonrising

[(Anonymous)]

OP I hope you’re doing better now. I would ask this - were people actually talking shit about the gifts? Or did they perceive that you were boasting about gifting? Because people get real weird online when they think someone is boasting or bragging, even if that person isn’t actually boasting. They also really, really don’t like being guilted into things.

I genuinely recommend that the next time you have a shitty day, the best thing you can do is tell your friends/friendly acquaintances that you’re having a rough day and name some specific action they could take to help. “I’ve had a rough day, please send cat memes” is a very effective one (insert action appropriate to help you here) and it’s about as far from being manipulative as you can get.

[(Anonymous)]

These weirdos are dogging you out in the comments, I completely understand you nonny. I was bullied by these clowns as well. That was years ago and even now it’s hard for me to return and play

I hate pulling the I was a minor card, but I literally was a minor and for a website that goes on about mental wellness it’s just hypocritical

when a minor is clearly mentally stressed and unwell, they do not care

[(Anonymous)]

mate, anon comms are not a good place to get positive feedback. or any kind of feedback really.

it's even more ill-advised to consider an anon comm as being somehow reflective of a website's general community and vice-versa. like i'm pretty sure 90% or more of the FR community has no idea these spaces exist and could care less if they did.

also the quicker minors learn to steer clear of anon comms the better imo. nobody knows who anybody else is (generally). that's the whole point. you can't expect people to just infer somehow that you're a minor based on your post or whatever.

to any minor still reading please learn to protect yourself and avoid anon spaces if they're causing you harm. the on-site forums are way better for getting actual honest feedback and they're moderated more strictly so dogpiling is way less likely to happen.

[(Anonymous)]

As someone who has been on these kinds of comms for various things since LJ days and has been targeted on one of these before: Minors and the sensitive do not belong here. These are a place for brutal unadulterated honesty and harshness.

You being a minor was not some kind of get out of drama free card. While folks should hold back on being nasty about kids, this particular comm has been exceptional for the moderators stopping unwarranted bullshit as well as other users calling it out. If you got dragged through the muck, it was either warranted by your behavior or on the previous incarnation of this comm.

[(Anonymous)]

This is why it's so important for children to be taught internet safety and to be supervised until they've grown up enough to be responsible. If a minor is so unwell that they can't keep themselves away from adult-centered external communities, that's a good sign that they're too unwell to be managing their own internet usage.

Internet safety can be challenging! Plenty of people, minors and adults, use the internet to self-harm. However, adults are responsible for themselves and minors who can't be responsible for themselves need to have that responsibility taken up by their parents.

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking as someone who had unmonitored internet access as a child in the 90s, when no one understood that... So much this. I know I harmed myself without realizing what I was doing. It's enthralling like fire, except the burns sometimes don't show for years.

[(Anonymous)]

idk the mods and other anons here are pretty good about shutting down discussions about minor players, unless it's something serious.

the last time i even remember a minor being actively discussed was previous AR when act#453360 said they sold drugs for gems and was telling another minor to 'financially manipulate' their abuser.

i don't think that minors get featured here unless one no one knows or can tell, or two it's something more than just oh they're being annoying because they're a kid. if they're doing something enough to get brought up and discussed on somewhere like ARR, they're doing way too much for their age

[(Anonymous)]

Anon RE rising is good about bullying minors

AnonRising bullied minors relentlessly

[(Anonymous)]

Gonna be real, doing something like that and then expecting recognition for it isn't exactly 'doing a kind thing', it's doing something because you want attention. But believe what you want.