Finding a good server is... tough. I find being new to a server makes for a good Litmus test. If the regulars are outright hostile to newbies, I leave and find another server. I'm only in about 4 small servers but I rarely, if ever, encounter conflict. The toxicity happens way more frequently in bigger servers.

"it's always only been with people who've been mentioned in wanker threads."
Ignore and block wankers. Don't waste your breath on them. This reflecting is a good first step, the next step is to practice what you've learned from your server ban and don't repeat the same mistakes in the next server you join.

Touching grass is also a good idea, but this applies to everyone honestly.